Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Painting my True Self
I am a very analytical person. My mind mulls over things and examines and questions and wants to know why. Like that small child who asks 'why is the sky blue?' I need to know the answers but I am never satisfied with an answer. I question it. I want to know for certain if that is the best answer. Some people think this is some sort of personal torture I inflict on myself but this is just me. This is how my brain works and I don't know any other way. Please don't worry about me. I'm fine. If you are a close friend, I'm afraid you are going to hear me verbalise all that analysing. Sorry about that. If you really love me you will cope. That's my test of true friendship.
Yes, I am a worrier. I will worry myself in circles. I will worry that if I tell you how much worrying I do you will think I am crazy. I am still compelled to tell you. There is so much going on in my brain I have to open the release valve once in awhile. You will be horrified by how much comes out and even more so if I tell you that was only half of it. But truly, I'm fine. Don't tell me this is bad for me or that I worry too much or that I need to get out of my own head. What I will hear is that you think I am defective. I will hear criticism of my essential self and I'm going to have to analyse that.
Sometimes I meditate. I write in a journal. Actually I have journals all over the place so I can hardly say I write in A journal. I write in about seven. And then there are the art journals. Painting has become my most favourite form of meditation. My best way to lose myself, express myself and not analyse anything for at least a short period of time. Yes, sometimes I paint things that are carefully planned, or I draw portraits and the goal is for it to at least vaguely resemble the person who inspired it. But one of my favourite things to do is to just start slapping the paint on the canvas and see what I get.
I love colour. Colour matters to me and means so much to me. I am moved by colour combinations. I can alter my own mood simply by taking a paintbrush and covering a canvas or a page with a colour I love. So I gave myself permission to do that, to paint for the sake of the colours and not to worry about the image. No worries about if it is good enough or if anyone would like it. No worries about if it looks like what it is "supposed" to look like. I paint big and fast. Sometimes I use watercolour on paper but I love acrylic on canvas because I can do so much layering. I can also completely cover over a painted canvas and start again. This gives me so much freedom. For a worrier, someone who wants to get things "right", the acrylic paints on canvas completely free me of that worry. If I have put a blog of white somewhere and instantly don't want it there I can change instantly. Sometimes, because I work fast, I even "ruin" something I liked. That is perhaps where the greatest lessons happen.
This is my current work in progress. It is a work in progress just like I am. I am not sure where it is going and I know it won't be perfect but it makes me happy. I like it for what it is and it doesn't have to be 'right'.