Sunday, 8 June 2014

How I Know God is not a Woman

My mother keeps telling me that it won't be long now before I hit menopause.  This is said cheerfully and with encouragement, like "it won't be long now before we arrive at (insert exciting destination here like Disneyland or Paris).  I doubt I suffer nearly as much as some women do, but my cycle has not been an easy thing and for the past 33 years have experienced PMS  of the kind beyond what Midol can cope with.  Mid cycle, not just one or two days prior to menstruation, but mid cycle, so that for ages I didn't even connect it to having my period, I get a variety of symptoms that make me feel ill rather like coming down with the flu and a dose of extra neurotic/depressed/anxious weird stuff.  Add that on top of the M.E. and it can leave me functioning quite poorly.  Then toss in your usual pre-menstrual symptoms like bloating and back ache and head aches and make sure those arrive in the week before the period.  I am thankful only that I don't suffer from cramps.  As I approach my late forties-okay who I am I kidding I am IN my late forties- my hormones are having a party and getting drunk each night while I drown in night sweats for a week or two leading up to my period.  It all adds up to making me feel damn unsexy which is somewhat ironic I think, given that all of this actually has to do with my reproductive system.

I would like to propose a new sort of reproductive system.  It's time you got on this God, because really it must be pointed out that you messed up big time with this first plan.  The new and improved female reproductive system will function differently.   A woman will have no symptoms, no fuss nor muss until she actually wants to have a child.  At that point she will become fertile and will feel herself to be the sexiest creature on the planet, and she will glow with an aura and radiate a fragrance that is irresistibly sexy to the mate she has chosen to procreate with.  Then there will of course be frequent opportunities created for impregnation to take place.  It has been 20 years since I wanted to conceive.  Twenty years of this pointlessly being harassed by my own body.

So yes, I've figured out a few things and one of them is that God is not a woman. The other is that I am fed up with all of this and want no more of it, PERIOD.  And that, I figure, is where we get that terminology!

12 comments:

  1. Amen to that! This might be the best proposal which has ever been made to God. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suspect it has been made many times. LOL

      Delete
  2. yes!
    being harassed by fat PMS and cramps for the first 2 days of the period since i´m 12 and never having a kid i find this soooo useless. menopause i´m waiting.....

    xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mum hit menopause at 50 so she is convinced I will too, but not everyone does. I'm hoping for out for 47 and five days. ;-)
      xoxoxoxo

      Delete
  3. Your wit is in fine form today! Railing against menstrual symptoms brings out the fire in you. Quick, grab a paintbrush - don't waste this spark!

    I finally hit menopause at 55, and what a relief it was. Until I started getting the hot flashes from hell - every 45 minutes. I endured that for a year before I talked to my doctor and she said, I think that's kind of extreme. I'm on a low dose of hormones now, and I feel so much better. Don't know how I'm supposed to wean myself off them, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do love to have a good rant! I thought I was going through early menopause a few years ago because I had hot flashes like that. After a year of it I found out my gall bladder was severely infected so basically I had just been living in a constant state of fever.
      I don't know how one weans off those hormones either. I am on birth control pill for the sake of the hormones and they help the PMS to some degree. I just stay on those til I hit menopause but I'm not sure what happens then.
      xoxo

      Delete
  4. My doctor confirmed (a few months ago) that I am indeed menopausal. Actually, it's better than what I'd have imagined. :) In fact, I prefer it to the various problems I encountered a few years back. Happy Sunday, Shawna. T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad it is going okay for you. I think it is an easier transition for some than others and I'm definitely hoping it is easy for me! Have a great week, T.

      Delete
  5. I've been perimenopausal since The Actor was born 9 years ago. Which means I had more frequent periods...every 2 1/2 to 3 weeks. What the? No one tells you about that! Now I'm 51 and I might have stopped (no period for a couple of months). Cautiously optimistic :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think your doctor can confirm it with a blood test. Periods every 2 1/2 to 3 weeks sounds like a nightmare! I am optimistic for you! There is one gender fluid we can do without! ;-)

      Delete
  6. Ha ha! I especially love that last sentence. I couldn't agree more.

    I've had all kinds of issues since my big surgery and the botch job the Dr. did on me last year. It is hell. Guys have no idea what we go through daily just to put one foot in front of the other.

    bisous
    Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
  7. I suspect you are entirely correct :0)
    xx

    ReplyDelete

I love visitors and I love comments. I will try my best to respond to everyone! Thanks for stopping by.