Monday, 25 August 2014

It's Hard Not To Ask for Forgiveness

In my current state, whatever it is and I am not naming it, I have limited energy and I am choosing to be selfish. No, scratch that, I don't want to use negative terms.  I am just choosing.  One thing I am choosing not to do as much of at the moment is reading or writing blogs.  I miss it, but I'm just going by what I have the energy for and what I prioritise in my day.  I am also more inclined to lurk right now, to read but not comment because it takes just that much more energy.  This is actually not easy for me.  It's a bit like trying to stop a sneeze.  I read the comments left on my blog and I want to respond to each one.  I want to tell Kezzie that until I bought that jewerly hanger my stuff was a tangled mess in a heap on my dresser.  Untangling necklaces in order to hang them was a bit of a job, to say the least.  I want to hug each and every one of you for showing up and saying nice things, for missing me when I was absent and even for worrying a bit, though I'm sorry I caused some worry.

The weird thing is that posting a blog is easier than reading and commenting on other blogs.  Why is that?  I don't really know, but for me putting up a blog post is often a way of clearing my brain so I can relax.   I blog for myself first, and although I am thrilled that people show up to read it and comment, it's just something I am compelled to do.  I have grown a bit weary of taking outfit of the day photos, so I'm giving that a break.  This weariness seems to have come along with finally giving myself permission to wear the clothes I want to wear.  I'm sure I will post outfits again but the current result of wearing what I want to wear is the feeling that I just want to put the clothes and and not give them another thought.  I am also really quite tired of seeing my own face.  I'm considering headless shots.   It's a bit easier than having my head surgically removed.  Which I have considered at times.  That would put an end to blogging entirely since it would put an end to all these thoughts.

It is my instinct to want to apologise for my short comings.  To ask for forgiveness for not being the blog reader/writer I want to be and tend to believe I should be.  Instead I am going to ask myself for forgiveness.  I will ask  to forgive myself for putting so much pressure on, for expecting so much and for focusing on what I have not done instead of what I have done.

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My creative output has been small lately, which happens when I get exhausted but it usually leaves me feeling incomplete and unfulfilled.  There are so many things I want to be doing.  I set myself a simple challenge, made a new game which will likely get harder each time I try it.  I called it Ten Photos in Ten Minutes.  I am limited to the interior of my home and I am aiming for close up studies of ordinary things.  I was not allowed to think about it too much.  A challenge for me as you no doubt understand!  Here are the results.













Nothing stunning here, but it satisfies my love of close up detail, it challenges me to look closely at the things that surround me daily, and since in this first attempt I obviously went to my favourite things-cat-books-plants- I will have to be more creative next time.  I have much to learn about my camera still and hope to experiment more with the settings.

14 comments:

  1. can we change out pics for wallhanging? i like especially the flowers and cat!
    great goal to just click! sometimes somethings will not be better then in that moment. an not only for photos....
    boundaries seem to be the theme this days.........
    xxxxx

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  2. Sure-or I could just send you the cat. ;-) I think that boundaries are often an issue for women. They are definitely an issue for those of us who live with some sort of disability, illness or somewhat invisible challenge. I suspect they are also more of an issue for introverts than for extroverts.
    xoxo

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  3. Hi Shawna, you seem to be echoing how I am feeling at the moment, perhaps there is something in the wind. I like your photos. xx

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  4. First of all never apologise when you don't need to, as you don't need to apologise for not being 100% (but I shall forgive you and send you a blogger hug). My blog is for me first like you, and if people want to follow and comment and hopefully get a mused then I am a happy camper. I love taking photos (as you guessed) so it is a way for me to put them somewhere. Gone are the days of albums full of photos that no one but yourself really wants to look at, so blogging ticks the right boxes for me. Your photos are all lovely because they are yours and what you saw, that to me makes a good photo. Take good care of yourself Shawna, because you should be your number one priority! xxxxx

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  5. The good thing about blogging is its flexibility -- we can shape it to our needs and abilities. I'm frequently impeded from blogging as much as I want to because of my job. That used to bother me but now I just accept it and savor what I'm capable of creating. Same with your health -- we love what you do when you can do it. No reason to explain further. Thanks for the update on your situation. We love you Shawna!

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  6. Noooo, do not surgically remove your head please!! I hope you post lost of photos. I enjoy those a lot. I hear you on the weariness thing and blogging. I jumped back in with zeal and am already starting to slow down and not care. Although I love the connections and reading others blogs, it is a lot of work putting extra effort into clothing and setting up the camera, etc....for the most part I dress pretty casual and I'm sure people would get tired of my cut offs after two posts.
    Keep writing and snapping photos!!

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  7. Oh but these photos are beautiful Shawna! Ten pics in 10 minutes, what a wonderful idea! I'm all for forgiving oneself. xoxox

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  8. Oh Shawna, you don't have to apologize, this is what it feels like to be human! You're not an answering and commenting machine, if you don't feel like blogging, then the hell with it, relax and enjoy life. I hope you feel better soon!!! I used to have guilt trips too, when I didn't comment on blogs, now I realize that if someone genuinely likes my blog, they won't need me out there commenting every freakin post!

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  9. No apologies needed, Shawna. We know you're a warm, kind and supportive person and are usually extremely generous with your comments. The good thing about blogging are that there aren't any rules.
    Gorgeous photos, as always. Please can I adopt Sophie? xxx

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  10. I hesitate to comment because I don't want to add another pressure to respond! Anyway, I'm a little concerned that this new game is quite pressured :-) but not thinking too much reminds me of your scribble portraits. Maybe you could do ten in ten minutes, then nine in nine, etc. then there is decreasing pressure but still fun! Ok I'll shut up now :-) I do like your book photos. Hmmm, I could do that. Anyway, we forgive you for not being the made up person in your head, and just the real person instead. Hey, that rhymes! XO JJ

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  11. Blogging doesn't come with any particular rules attached (other than those of basic politeness) so how you choose to do it, at any given time, is entirely up to you. Many bloggers dip in and out as their situation dictates, and those who read and comment make their own choices too. I must confess that I have stopped leaving comments for bloggers who don't leave a comment for me, because the relationship doesn't feel reciprocal, but that has happened over a fairly lengthy period of time. I do agree that posting on one's own blog is easier than reading and commenting (at least commenting in a meaningful way) on a long list of other people's blogs, which can seem really overwhelming at times.
    It's all about balance, I guess. Looking after oneself, while still supporting others and nurturing relationships, is not always easy. At times we may need to conserve more energy for the former and give less to the latter - and that's OK. And it's nice of you to explain your current circumstances to us, so we get it.
    Reading back what I've written, I wonder if I sound starchy and po-faced? I struggle with simultaneously holding two opposite viewpoints - that it is our right to choose how/when we blog, and that it works best when it is a mutual and reciprocal arrangement, as in a friendship. No clear answers, naturally!
    I hope you're doing OK, Shawna, and don't mind me expressing my thoughts here. I love your close-up photos (especially Sophie, of course) and I think it's a great way to express your creativity via a relatively non-energy sapping challenge. Take care. xxx

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  12. Send love, light and strength your way special lady. Do what you can with what you have right now ... Thanks for the gorgeous photos!!!!

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  13. Just do what feels right for you ... right now ... and if that changes in the future that's ok. It's all ok ... no need to put pressure on yourself to post or comment. The pressure would take the fun out of what should be an enjoyable, fun experience.
    Your pictures are great ... Sophie is definitely my favourite.
    Take care.
    xx

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  14. Lovely photos. I am with you on the not blogging much, the lurking on other blogs without commenting, and the fatigue. There is no such thing as a perfect blogger. Blogging is whatever you want or need it to be. So be good to yourself. Xox

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