Thursday, 25 September 2014

Big Little Things For Which I am Grateful

Today is a day of storm clouds back-lit by sun, the grey of the clouds and the grey of the sea bisected by a narrow line of dark green from the trees I see on the shore across the bay.  The trees in the foreground are silhouetted black filigree shapes against the sky and I take in this scene through raindrop splattered windows.  I am grateful to have such beauty available to me with no effort on my part.  So often I am so tired, just barely managing to get up for the day, dress and feed myself and when I do I then sit on the sofa tired from those efforts.  I struggle to make my brain work and it rebels like a stubborn mule sitting on its haunches and refusing to pull the cart forward.  I dangle the carrot, I whip the mule, I scold and I coax and the mule moves forward a few more metres only to sit on its haunches again.  I sigh in frustration and hand over another carrot which it chews contentedly.  I love this mule, after all, it is my mule, no matter how stubborn and impossibly behaved.

I am struggling to keep up with reading the blogs I wish to and leaving comments I wish to.  I plug away at it but am well behind,  and it has dawned on me that making daily rounds visiting online is not much less difficult than it would be for me to do that if I were hopping into a car and making visits to friends around town.  What I want to do and what I can do are so often not the same.  I struggle to figure out why it takes so much more energy or ability to read and comment than it does to bang out some sort of personal ramblings on my own blog.  I probably won't find a satisfactory answer other than the knowledge that different parts of the brain perform different functions and I do have a neurological illness and which parts of my brain get affected and which don't is not in my control.  For instance, I can often hold a deep philosophical discussion on a day when I cannot fill out a simple form or dial a lengthy series of numbers into the phone.

I love reading the comments you leave on my blog and I have always loved replying to them.  It is difficult for me not to both in that it is impolite to say nothing when someone addresses you and in that I love to converse with people.  Lately though I am finding those responses impossible to get out of the stubborn old mule just as I am finding it difficult to read and comment on other blogs.  Here though, on my own blog, words come tumbling out my fingers from a direct link to my brain.  Perhaps they are not brilliant thoughts but more of a stuck record (oh I do delight in mixing metaphors-it must be the rebel in me) offering up a repetition of my mildly neurotic thoughts.  I write because I must, just as I paint because I must.  I am both confused and grateful that both seem to be among the last functions I lose when my body and brain are refusing to cooperate.

Today, whatever else my brain is struggling with, it cannot let go of the gratitude for the many wonderful people I have met through blogging,  people who offer friendship,  kindness, support and affection, no matter how I perform.  You might wonder what the heck I am on about now, but for a good portion of my life I found myself entangled with people who did not offer such acceptance or understanding.  It was so pervasive that for years I did not even see it.  Now I am moving on in life and just being me, full of flaws and full of love, as I always have been, but now I find I am in an open space free to move as I must move, or not move, without judgment or external criticism.  I have found the space to be able to say, here I am so take it or leave it.  Thank you to those of you who take the time to visit and leave comments.  I know how much effort that requires and I am honoured.  Know that in my heart I cherish you all, even if I cannot make my actions reflect that as well as I would like.  I enjoy your blogs and who you are, what you do and how you express that.  Thank you for being part of my life.

And Now The Stuff About Clothes....

I got dressed today by rapidly grabbing colours that appealed to me.  They skew a bit warm so are perhaps not my best colours but it's only fair that I don't dazzle the world with my beauty every day.

I just love the embroidery on this skirt.  Yes you have possible seen it before, but I have two of them-one is brown on top and blue on bottom and the other is the reverse.

And for taking out the garbage and checking the mail box, a hat and boots were required.

Okay, the hat wasn't really required, I just like my hat and it fell out of the hat basket when I opened the closet and it asked me to wear it.  Who am I to refuse?


  1. You made me laugh when you mentioned it not being fair to dazzle the world every day. Back in the 60s when my sister and I made paperdolls sometimes the clothes we made just weren't our favorites. So we'd just say that not every outfit can be perfect!
    I hear you on the blogging and responding. It does take quite a bit of work and some days I think I don't have it in me to post anymore. But I'm not working right now and bored out of my gourd some days!

  2. I struggle to leave comments on all of the lovely blogs and kind folks I follow, too! I want to say something original and engaging because I do read the posts, but I have periods in which I just fall silent a lot, and I'm trying to accept that, too. :D

    (I extend the offer that I would like you to never feel obligated to comment on my blog!)

  3. It's always so good to hear from you! I miss your frequent posts. But it's ok, we all need a break from time to time. Thank you for this post and kind words to us all. :) I really really appreciate how thoughtful you are. Please do not worry about being polite. Being genuine and true to yourself is so much needed in the world!

    I actually think you look absolutely stunning in this outfit, like a gorgeous forest fairy in all these mossy, earthy colors. It is one of my very favorite outfits on you! The jacket/cardi has such a beautiful mix of patterns and colors, and the embroidery is very pretty.

    Have a good rest, indulge yourself in something wonderful. Lots of love and cozy warm stews and soups!! :) xxxxxx

  4. Hats must be obeyed!! Or else!!
    I think you are very good with your comments. They are substantial, kind, thought-out, personal and show youve read, not just glanced at a picture. They don't offer platitudes but the experience of a real life person with much wisdom. And I could match you with amounts of text.
    Its nice to be appreciated so I say, yiure welcome and thank you reciprocally. x

  5. I love your outfit with its blending colours and embroidery. I like how you've played with the colours.
    And as for the other, I send my words and images out into the ether, and if they land in your lap and you open them, and if they warm and nourish you in some way, then I am content!
    I keep a sneaky eye out and notice when you have visited my blog and feel blessed, even with no comment.
    I hope you feel stronger soon because of course we miss you, but we can visit your brain dumps :-D
    It's hard when you are a cerebral person to deal with your brain backfiring and leaking oil occasionally. I know! I live with this too. We'll chug along together on this blogging highway:-) Many warm hugs coming your! Xo JJ

  6. wonderful outfit my dear! the cardi and the skirt were made for each other! and that calming warm coloring seems right for a tired, rainy day!
    sometimes i find commenting exhausting too. so i only do it on a few beloved blogs or if i´m exited/touched by a post. but if a have to fill out complicated forms/or subscribe etc. it puts me off. have to much trouble with the english anyway. and by answering comments i´m not sure if someone reads them.......
    so take your time, find out whats good for you and what not. we are here.

  7. OMG I love this outfit on you!! Wicked colour combo.

  8. We appreciate you and your blog and friendship and support, as well! I think it is tough for all of us at some time to keep up with everything and that is totally okay! Thank you for writing and sharing this post!

    P.S. The embroidery on your skirt is just beautiful!

  9. I LOVE this skirt ... the colors, the embroidery, everything!!!!

    I agree with Aya ... There is absolutely no obligation whatsoever for you to comment on my blog ... Pop around when you have the energy and comment if you want to.


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