Sunday, 24 May 2015

No Outfits Here

I do wear clothes when I write.  Sometimes even nice clothes.  I have, for the moment, lost any motivation I may once have had to take photos of what I am wearing.  Since I am not a skilled photographer or model and not a fashion icon by any stretch of the imagination I don't see this as any great loss for blogland.  Believe me when I say, I continue to wear outfits I like and not give a damn if they are stylish, fashionable or to anyone else's liking but my own.  If I have learned anything, I have learned that when it comes to clothes what I care about most is being comfortable and wearing things I like.  This will inevitably mean sensible shoes and no belts.

Bittersweet

Lying in bed, my thighs heavy against the mattress,
Head, light on the pillow
I think of you, my last thought always
Before sleep.

But sometimes sleep won't come
And heels digging in, body arched with longing
I am reaching for that far away place
Where you are and I am not.

Palms down, spread-hands press,
Sighs are deep and then breath catches
Bittersweet, a word that can only ever apply
To love or chocolate.


Sensible Shoes
I was born understanding that my appearance mattered,
That not everyone could be beautiful and probably I was
Not one of the lucky ones, but that
still, what I wore and how I did my hair
And moved my body mattered.

I was born understanding that there was shame
In being female because most of me
Needs covering or taming, controlling, changing
And although I could grow up to be anything I wanted
I was going to have to look a certain way while doing it.

But how to look?  It depends on whom you ask.
How to behave?  Well that too depends
And whichever you choose will be wrong by someone’s standards.
It has taken me awhile to figure myself out
But if I am sure of anything, it’s that I prefer sensible shoes.

Too Much

Sometimes I have too much body,
thick, pained, exhausted, overflowing
And too much mind churning, grinding, spilling
Where is the off switch? 

I only want to be light,
To float perhaps invisible or
Non-corporeal-sometimes
I want to disappear.

I am supposed to want visibility
But all that means to me is that
I will have to stand and all I want
is to lie down. Please let me lie down.

I knew bliss once.
There was a lake and summer sun,
An inflated vinyl donut.
So much had not happened yet.


Why Can’t Bellies  Be Sexy?

It’s really not fair that I am supposed to put
My extra weight in certain places
Just to please others, and it’s not my fault that
The chocolate pudding doesn’t go to my booty so
Why can’t bellies be sexy?

I finally grew big boobs but booties were
All the rage and sexy means big bouncy cheeks.
I am waiting for the day when upper arms -no elbows
-the day when fat elbows are sexy.
Why not?  It’s the fat-elbowed people’s turn.

I can grow a booty eventually, yes
But it comes at the price of a double chin
And the last time I checked those are not
Much admired though mine is a particularly
nice one.

Why aren’t brains sexy?
Oh, we like to pretend they are
It’s the latest thing to claim-but honestly
Tina Fey is not that hard on the eyes and I don’t
know anyone with the hots for Hilary Clinton.



Under the Weight of You

Under the weight of you
I grit my teeth, hold my breath
Try to smile-no I try to believe
That I like this and I want this.

I am supposed to like this-
Supposed to want you touching me
But there is so much of you,
flesh and hair and bone and breath

And so much asking, wanting, needing
Something I can’t give, but why?
I don’t understand why and you
Can’t understand what is wrong with me.

I am supposed to want this-
This merging and vulnerability and surrender
But there is a wall I can’t knock down
And perhaps I do not want to.

10 comments:

  1. shawna!! that is beautiful and genius!!! your poetry should get printed and send to every woman in the world!
    i have a boy´s derriere and a belly too - but was never short in admirers - bellies are sexy for sure :-)
    hugs!!!!!!

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  2. Wow Shawna, each one of these really touched me. You have a wonderful way of gently describing your thoughts and they softly fall to the next line. Easy to read, they have flow and reveal such honesty.
    I want to comment on each one but it would take a while. ;) Love the ending of Bittersweet....ahhh dreaming of a loved one intermixed with chocolate desires....I think I'd have had to get up and find something sweet to eat!
    Love your memories of the vinyl donut and "I knew bliss once....." I can just feel summer memories of my youth there in those lines. These are so fun to read Shawna and it's inspired me to write again too.

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  3. My favourite was the first one, and also the wonderful question...why can't fat elbows be sexy? LOL

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  4. Why aren't brains sexy? Yes, it's the centre of our universe but it sometimes counts for so little from the outside. I think it's easier for a man to have a sexy brain because their bodies don't seem to matter as much, or it used to be the case. I enjoyed reading all your poems, Shawna.

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  5. Beautiful, Shawna! I really enjoy reading your poems, every single line. You are a wonderfully gifted Artist! A lot of deeply felt feelings, your with and ever-questioning mind, all of it is here.

    I am with you and I want to redefine "sexy". Kindness is sexy, insightfulness, depth is sexy. True love is sexy. When someone sees you for who you are and accepts and adores you for who you are - that is sexy. Visual standards are an absolutely ridiculous idea as a definition of what attracts us to other people.

    Sooo looking forward to more poems, my dearest friend! Hugses! xxxxxxx

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  6. Your poetry is beautiful Shawna, raw and open, and I agree with you. I agree with the notion that 'attractiveness' should not be based on appearances, attractive is a person's personality, I am drawn to them and their values, humour and intelligence, that's true beauty. Is it a female thing? are our looks are judged from being a child, what a shame, I certainly don't follow that notion though x x x you are brilliant and insightful, Dear Shawna x x x

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  7. How vulnerably you write, but with a light touch of humour to leaven it.
    I want to know when it's time for the skinny elbows to be sexy. Anything fat can be sexy in some light, but bony just isn't!
    Under the weight of you spoke loudest to me. Xo Jazzy Jack

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  8. I absolutely love all of these poems!

    The first one bittersweet is really touching...and I do like the ending and agree with it...and that got me thinking...love is almost always bittersweet.

    The second one is lovely. When we wear what we feel good in, that we do look better...and figuring what one really likes is a challenge sometimes because our brain likes to be lazy and just accept thoughts/rules that are out there.

    The third one I can relate to. I also wish I knew where was the off switch sometimes!

    The four one is quite funny...and there are areas of the world where bellies are sexy. It just depends where we live in....in some parts of Africa, a woman absolutely has to have a belly before getting married...as far as I remember, they lock them up in a cabin and fed them for two months prior to wedding so they could appear curvy at their wedding. Perhaps it is the case of people always wanting what they can't have...in places where people are naturally slender they want to be curvy and vice versa.

    The last poem reminds me of Margaret Atwood i.e. her writing style.

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  9. Hey Shawna, Thanks for sharing your poetry .. they are all beautiful!!!!

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  10. Brilliant ... just brilliant ... all of them.
    xx

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