The temperature has dropped a bit, which I don't really mind, and brings cool fresh air scented heavily with the briny beach aroma that brings tears to my eyes because I am a sensitive emotional sort of person who writes poetry.
Today I am stumbling around Blog Land trying to visit friends and keep up with everyone's absolute awesomeness. I am amazed and thrilled on a daily basis to have found such an outstanding community of women, who inspire, elevate, support and encourage each other and celebrate the gift of being ourselves. I am certain I do not manage to visit, support, encourage and cheer you all on enough and definitely not as much as I wish to but I will let you in on a secret.
You are helping me to grow in a way you may not have imagined just by your existence, just by being who you are.
When I began blogging I only had vague ideas of what I was doing. There were a few false starts as this is essentially my third blog since 2009. I wanted to write, I wanted my writing to connect with people somehow, I wanted to challenge myself to be brave enough to write and make it public. I didn't have a theme, and still don't, I have never figured out what my brand is or how to sell myself or even if I wanted to. I have a strong need to think and express myself in writing and a strong need to connect with people.
I remain an introvert, someone who cannot sustain a very large quantity of connecting actively and this has become a large source of guilt. I hold a belief that I do not deserve and should not expect any blog visitors unless I visit and comment on other blogs. Add to this, that there are many blogs and bloggers I have discovered who I truly wish to visit and it becomes quickly overwhelming. I am also aware that there are many successful blogs out there whose authors do not visit or follow all of their own followers. I have briefly envied this arrangement at times and then realised that it lacks the very connections with people I so value. The unwavering believe that people would be interested in me simply because of who I am and what I do and not because of what I give them is not a belief I was raised to hold. A belief that I do need to further develop is that my way of being and doing is enough. It is fine. And if I live in a way that is true to it I will naturally fall into alignment with similar people.
In having been raised not to be a selfish person, not to put myself first, not to self promote, some of my efforts in a new direction have been a struggle and if you know anything about me, you know I tend to over-think, or as I like to say, think-over, pretty nearly everything. Whether it was intended or not, the message I got when growing up was that what would make me likeable would be selflessness. No ego, no self promotion, no putting myself first, service to others, this was the way of my grandmother and my mother. I am often like this myself but anytime I deviate from it the guilt is enormous. Or perhaps it is fear. Yes, I think more honestly it may be fear. Fear that I will not be liked for who I am but only for what I do for others. In my limited social world offline-no limited is not the best word but at the moment I cannot find another-I do not have to worry about this too much. I have fewer than ten friends and family members altogether whose company I genuinely enjoy and am willing to give up my alone time for. I have created a world for myself where I can manage the balance of give and take, and I learned a great many lessons about this in a dysfunctional marriage as well.
I am still learning. I am always learning how to make my way successfully through life. I learn from my mistakes and I share what I've learned here. If my blog has a theme, that's what it is: One woman determinedly making her way through life, stumbling sometimes, but getting back up again.
I was going to apologise to those of you who read this blog looking for clothing and style inspiration but then I changed my mind.