Wednesday, 3 February 2016

I Am In Love With Two Men I Cannot Have

That got your attention, didn't it!  I will disabuse you now of all notion that there is some sort of passionate love triangle (or quadrangle) going on in my life.  One of these men is dead and the other is gay and neither of them ever met me. ......

... So, I write to sort out my thoughts, and sometimes I write those thoughts here.  This, as Beth commented in a previous post, is a public journal, with the vague idea that in some way it might reach other people like me, help someone else in some way or help someone to understand someone in their life who is a bit bonkers like me. 

No, I don't really believe I am bonkers at at all.  But I know that I can appear so to many people.  I have had many people in my life trying to fix me, even with good, loving intentions.   I do not need fixing, but I admit I do crave being understood.  Most of the time I settle for acceptance.  Actually, 'settle' is not a satisfactory word as it is lovely to be accepted.  My ideal is to be both accepted and understood. 

Duality is a constant theme for me.  If we are talking about spirituality or religion I am firmly a monist, not a dualist.  However, I do frequently sense a great deal of dualism in myself.  It amuses me that I am a Gemini, although I have no magical beliefs leading me to buy into astrology and other than a tricky dual personality I do not relate to anything that astrology tells me about Geminis nor do I see any logical reason why I should.

What I struggle with constantly and have for as long as I can remember, is a sense of being two people inside with opposite agendas.  Because of this I am quite attracted to dualist symbols like yin and yang.  If you are sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for me to tell you I am confused about my gender, I am sorry I will have to disappoint you.  That is one thing I am not at all confused about.  I do not feel I am in the wrong body but I do feel as though I have two brains and thus should have two bodies.  I want to be two different people who think and behave differently and have slightly different values.

Who are these two mystery men I am in love with and what do they have to do with all this existential angst?

Christopher Hitchens and Stephen Fry.  Two men who have never claimed to possess conventional good lucks and tend to refer to themselves as ugly.  Perhaps they are, but I've never noticed.  It is their minds I am in love with, though in the case of Stephen I suspect also very much his heart.  No, all this unrequited love does not torture me, rather it is one way of understanding my own thinking if I ask myself why these two men attract me so much.  Essentially it is more that I want to be them, than want to have them, though I will pass on the smoking habit.  One half of me aspires to be very Stephen Fry like, compassionate, lover of people, invested in causes, brilliant of course, let's not leave out that part,  and I am actually more like him in that I tend to be tactful, to live and let live unless there is something significant at stake, to always consider how others are feeling or how they would feel if I spoke or acted in a certain way.  Admittedly, I want to get along with everyone and be liked.  I am not fond of conflict nor of knowing that someone thinks ill of me.

I wish it were not so.  I wish I were tougher, less sensitive, basically a brilliant asshole, to put it crudely.  Putting things crudely is not my typical habit, though there is that half of me who wants to.  I want to say exactly what I think with scathing brilliance and not give a damn what others think or how I make them feel and definitely not whether or not they still like me after I've said it.  But I rarely do this.  I censor myself, consider everyone's feelings, follow the nanny wisdom of not saying anything if I cannot say something nice.

Which am I?  Confusedly I am both.  I am, quite often, a really nice person who doesn't want anyone to feel hurt (unless that person is an evil dictator but I don't tend to encounter many of those) who is careful not to offend, who keeps her offensive views to herself because it is impolite not to and this is all quite instinctive to me.  I cannot doubt that it is 'the real me' because it is generally so instinctively how I behave and I am usually deeply troubled if I think I have offended or hurt someone whom I believe to be a good person.

BUT, I am also someone who just wants to make all her views plain, call an idiot an idiot, stir up some shit and while I have all the patience in the world for children, I have little for ignorant adults, particular those who stubbornly cling to their ignorance.  I am very aware of what I know and what I do not know.  I would wish to be much more intelligent than I am, and while I wish to possess such intelligence in order to help make the world a better place, part of me would just like to go around slapping idiots with it. 

This side of me rarely shows.  It is repressed, but honestly, if I let it out I do not know if even I could handle it.  I would be loathed by some people and I am too damn sensitive to deal well with that.  My evil twin tells the good twin she should try it, that practice would make perfect.  The good twin says, no no, the world just needs peace and love and cookies.  Evil twin says, yes, but a few people need slapping.  Let's go out and slap them.

Fortunately these twins are living in a body that is too tired to do much.  Perhaps that contributes greatly to the frustration.  I want to make a difference in this world.  I want to help people but cannot seem to decide if they need hugging or slapping.  Some need one and others definitely the latter.  Nice twin speaks up and reminds evil twin that honey catches more flies, that patience and kindness encourages people and being critical of them does not make them change.  Evil twin smirks and says, yeah, but it sure feels good.


  1. Oh Shawna, you are going to get some interesting hits with that title! I didn't know you were a Gemini. One of my dearest friends is a Gemini, like you she has a "wicked" side which oddly boring old me - Capricorn, seems to bring out in her (and vice versa!). We are not to be trusted together, the Gemini and the Capricorn! ;-)I both admire and find the thought of the Geminis' facets daunting. It does seem like a hard sign to be - all creative whimsy one moment and utterly scorching soul searching the next. My friend A. brings out the best in me, shakes things up, gets the ball rolling, and it is a wonderful quality to have. I think Stephen Fry is brilliant, and while I have only read a little bit of Hitchens his words did sear into my brain. He wrote something very odd about being a cancer patient that I myself had written and never seen before/thought anyone else would think. A shame he went too soon. Unrequited crushes are healthy, especially if they are inspiring you to write!

    Seriously though I will never ever poo poo a fantasy, being a fellow INF! ;-)Write your truth. We are too often afraid of what others think, and we only live once. (You can always start a separate blog for your evil twin - "The Director of Evil!" xo Steff

  2. Hmm... Don't I share a birthday with you? Anyway, a Gemini myself I can understand the duality. Although mine expresses itself in a confused fashion sense (girly girl vs angry rocker). But I have no problem letting my sarcastic self loose on the world. You're right: some people need slapping, and I'm just the person to do it. Of course, I have a nicer side, too, but I reserve it for work only. And as I have to be super nice and encouraging at work, I have zero patience for idiots outside of work. Seriously, you have to let the evil twin out, otherwise you will just explode one day. Small, controlled bursts of sarcasm is a better way to go. You can start another public journal, for the evil twin. Anonymous, of course, so it can't be traced back to you. That's what I've done. No, you can't read it. It's public but in another language.

  3. I can relate to many things, Shawna. For one, I also adore Stephen Fry - it's hard not to. :) I think we all are complex, and there is some degree of duality in many of us. I also agree with you that we don't want/need to be fixed. But a part of me wants very much to help, not really fix, but help... even though the moment I try to do it, I know I'm wrong (and annoying, at least). I do think the world needs love and hugs, and yes, acceptance, much more than "fixing"... I also agree that sometimes it feels like a great idea to slap idiots, or at least call them that. I like the idea of The director of evil blog. :)

    Sending you lots of hugs, and love, and please forgive me any "fixing" I ever tried to do!


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