Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Epiphanies and Shit Happen

My brain works in a pattern that goes something like this:

meditate...meditate...meditate.....EPIPHANY!  repeat

It's a bit exhausting to always be having epiphanies but kind of fun too.  Some are deep and personal, some profound and life changing and many are not too significant.  I think there is an epiphany per day essentially and I often think it should come with sound effects-some sort of ping or ding when the dots get connected and I have a realisation that helps me move forward.

There have been some big ones, huge ones, painful ones in my life lately.  I don't share those here other than to mention that explains my change in behaviour lately.

Here is a smaller one.

If we have the means, we should dress for ourselves, to please ourselves, to meet our own needs for comfort, beauty, creativity, or whatever makes us feel good.  That's not the epiphany that's the general assumption I began with.  Many women I know and particularly those I know through style blogging, dress to please themselves with creativity, colour, a sense of being their own unique self.  I admire that greatly.  I tried it on.  It didn't work.  Why?  Dressing to please myself actually means low key, easy, neutral, minimal wardrobe style.  Huh!  How is it that I had no idea of this?

Partly it's because although I may have dressed that way in the past it wasn't fully a choice, it was imposed on me by exterior things just as much or more as it reflected my own taste. 

In the past several years I've struggled with my illness, had financial insecurity, experienced two painful breakups and distracted and amused myself by playing dress up, decorating my home, and generally accumulating stuff, mostly second hand stuff, trying to find myself, or save myself who knows exactly what I was doing.  Building a life raft out of stuff perhaps.  Holding myself up with layers and layers of clothing.

Lately I've been shedding and purging.  It feels good.  It feels amazing.  My goal is to only live with what I love and need.  That includes people and stuff.  What that looks like for me doesn't follow any sort of prescription-no wardrobe of 33 items, only owning a hundred things or fitting all of my possessions in  back pack.  I'm not a recognisable minimalist, though shedding surplus stuff is a bit addicting. 

I don't change my decor for the seasons, for holidays, my taste is very specifically mine and I like staying home.  I like my familiar nest, being surrounded by what feels authentic to me.  Would I travel the world if I could?  Sure.  It's not a laziness or a form of denial it's a combination of illness and introversion.  I want and need comfort, simplicity and my own idea of beauty.  And this translates into what I wear.

I don't care if I wear the same outfit twice in one week or if that outfit is a simple pair of jeans, favourite slouchy sweater and a scarf if I go out.  I love colour in many many ways but wearing it tires me in ways I cannot quite explain or understand but mid-grey and taupe makes my heart beat faster. 

Digression: I fell for an almost perfect fawn coloured cashmere cardigan in a shop recently.  It was four hundred bloody dollars as was the macrame hemp poncho I also fell for.  Gah! That's my town for you-it's four hundred dollar cashmere or $20 polyester at WalMart.

1. Nobody is even going to notice me wearing the same things all the time.
2.  I definitely don't mind wearing the same things all the time-I even like it.
3. I would rather be liked/admired for who I am than my style
4. I will probably get paint on my clothes which is why I really should not buy a $400 cardigan

Epiphanies come to me in a flash, but are not so concisely summed up.  All of this knowledge sits in my brain, floating around, and then suddenly I see it all.  Bam!  I know this.  Deep breath.....let it out slowly....move forward.

I signed up for online dating.  Oh dear, I am not liking it but it's early days yet. 

Complicated, wounded woman looking for sexy nerd with social skills in a town full of loggers and fishermen, Must Read Books.


  1. Better occasional epiphanies than no epiphanies. Online dating? Oh, my... you have my sympathy. Hope the pervasively-rude men don't destroy your faith in humanity.

  2. Definitely must read books!
    One epiphany a day? I'm lucky if I get one a week!
    Isn't epiphany a great word?
    xo Jazzy Jack

  3. New to reading your insightful blog. Commonalities abound. Love gardening but in an apartment now so trying to figure out how to not kill everything I put on my hot balcony. Chronic illness but trying to keep it on the back burner. Introvert who loves reading and according to my now deceased mother, dress for my own comfort. Enjoying your intelligent musings. Thanks.


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