This morning around 6am I wrote a really good blog post in my head as I lay in bed. I was exhausted from shopping for vegetables and prepping them all and doing some big batch cooking the previous night, so instead of getting up and recording all of these brilliant thoughts, I went back to sleep and woke again at 1:22 pm having forgotten entirely about writing anything.
I have been wondering if this blog is dead and whenever I am wondering something it usually turns out to be very true. Is it resting or is it dead? I don't yet know but something is going on. Or not going on. Maybe it's just change.
We all go through change.
I am somewhat aware of having a blogging audience though its seems a little surreal and I tend to forget. Through blogging I met a wonderful group of women, mostly personal style bloggers whose blogs I was reading at the time I began this one. They welcomed me to their blogging community and supported me. They were (and some still are) regular readers and commenters on my blog. Then two things happened.
One is that I figured out my personal style and also figured out that I didn't want to photograph it. What to do? Well, I rarely lack something to talk or write about and I am still obsessed with colour and still have opinions on style and clothing and various other things. And the theme of this blog was never quite set in stone though I don't think I am succeeding at writing for a target audience. I write for myself and to reach anyone I happen to reach. I like to imagine connections, commonalities, being able to help someone somehow with my own experiences.
The other thing that happened is that I got exhausted and overwhelmed because I took on too much. Any of us can do that. We all have our limits. Mine are more pervasive in my life than I want them to be, or perhaps more than I think they should be in order for me to live up to the societal standard of business and extroversion.
In my offline life I am not terribly social and I do not have a large circle of friends. I have many acquaintances and several casual friends whom I might see once or twice a year. I have two close friends, parents, a son and a partner who are my priorities in life. This is the maximum I can manage and even then I do not meet my own standards. Why did I think I could manage a large online social circle as well? I suppose I thought so because the internet provides a certain amount of anonymity, a casual environment, the privacy of one's own home, all which appeal to an introvert. And thus I mistakenly thought I could maintain a circle of online friends whose blogs I would read daily and comment on.
Hah! Why would I think that when I see my closest girl friend about once a month?
I am not capable of demonstrating how much I care, how interested I am and of being a supportive friend to every person I meet whom I really like. And yet I have somehow gotten the idea that I should. Or maybe it's not a should, maybe I would like to, but it's definitely not realistic. And why should I imagine that most people will notice or care if I slip quietly away. I cannot imagine myself as important to too many people even if well liked.
So what is going on with my thinking that I am struggling with enormous guilt over this shift?
If I knew the answer to that I probably wouldn't have a blog.
I am driven to write and I write in many places. I readily share my thoughts, opinions and musings on many subjects though am also much more private than I at first appear. This blog is not about the people in my life. It is not a family lifestyle blog. I do not talk about my son, my partner or my parents other than to sometimes mention them in passing. In many ways my intention was to write about how I go through life coping with a debilitating autoimmune disease, and yet I've found that I don't like to dwell on the negative, on my limits, on the obstacles. There are large gaps in the story of my life if you try to piece it together by what you read here. It's very easy for me to forget that this is the internet, that it is public and forever. On the other hand, perhaps I am subconsciously more aware of that than I realise myself. I don't care that there are now many photos of me looking less than my best and that sometimes I even get startled by my own image if I do a google search for something. And it's not likely to be photo I actually like. I wonder sometimes if anyone has used a photo of me randomly as an example of something. Resting bitch face? Ugly skirt? How not to pose? Not that I care.
What I care about, what I am protective of and typically don't write about is not 'what' but 'whom'. I realise that I have tantalisingly dropped the word 'partner' a few times and yes that is my way of dipping my toes in the ocean. As I figure out where this blog is going, and it may just amble for awhile, I am also figuring out what aspects of my personal life will be told here. Some are too precious, too personal, too complicated to share. Some of my own stories are tangled up in the stories that also belong to others and they are not mine to make public.
I've been so exhausted for the past six months that I've done little writing or painting. I've had little to share and it felt like my style journey was over, at least for now. There has also been something else occupying much of my attention.
Fairy Tale Romance : The Abridged Version.
I have had a very rewarding long distance friendship for several years and although we clearly loved each other we thought there were too many obstacles keeping us physically apart. Despite this we could not give each other up and thus accepted the limitations of the relationship rather than reject it and move on. I kept this relationship very private, though not a total secret, and typically referred to myself as a divorced and single woman. One day, several months back, a misunderstanding occurred in which my friend and I each thought the other was breaking it off. This thankfully brief period of grief was when a friend convinced me to take my mind off things by trying online dating and I recorded some of my experiences here.
Thankfully the 'break-up' and the online dating lasted only five days and after getting things all sorted out again, we made new plans and new arrangements and are moving forward together as a couple. I imagine I might want to write more about this in the future but for now I am not sure.
There are many thoughts in my head about relationships, abusive marriages, moving forward in life, but it's easier to post terrible pictures of unflattering skirts and talk about whether or not I am a Soft Summer and more socially acceptable too! Transitions are coming and while they may not involve clothes I will probably find myself writing about them.