If you are one of the few followers of this blog you may have given up by now and I can't blame you. Posting is sporadic at best. I simultaneously do and don't care and I contemplate ending, finishing, wrapping up, concluding or just walking away from my blog as it feels somewhat less purposeful than it did when I began.
On the other hand, I probably won't abandon it. It is possible that I like to think I entertain, amuse, inform and connect with others through my blog though I have no interest in making money, gaining followers, improving the blog or attracting sponsors and advertisers. I have no interest in making it pretty or finding my niche and I have lost my interest in giving much thought to personal style, which is where this blog began.
It is and always has been, one of many journals I keep in order to explore thoughts. I am as inconsistent in all my journals as I am here.
The battle with migraines is generally going in my favour, and I've got medication for the painful ones but still frequently experience ocular migraines. Thankfully, those ones don't hurt but they require resting the eyes and are such a visual disturbance that there is little to do other than close my eyes and wait it out. The first time I experienced one I said to my then husband, 'Either there is something wrong with my vision or there is a giant blob of ectoplasm floating in our living room.' If you know me you will know that the former was my true conclusion and the latter my sense of humour, however I did request that he confirm my diagnosis by reporting that he saw no sign of any ectoplasm.
When your hobbies and passions are visual- painting, reading and writing- then vision disturbances are a nuisance at the very least and potentially rather distressing. I try audio books, TED talks and random pod casts if I must spend some time with my eyes closed and I favour pedantic ones in case you are wondering.
Speaking of pedantics and obsessions and my interests in general, having recently worked my way to a conclusion regarding my personal colouring after some inadequate conclusions, I have also revisited my Myers Briggs category.
The Myers Briggs types are not in any way hard science but they have more validity than horoscopes. It is easy to misunderstand or misuse them though and that leads to both confusion and to some people dismissing them as total bunk. There is some difference between soft science and pseudoscience and absolute nonsense is a whole category of it's own as well. My goal is always to weed out pseudoscience and nonsense but soft sciences have a place. Many aspects of the human experience are difficult to measure.
The Myers Briggs types do not describe personality though they might contribute to an understanding of personality. They describe cognitive processes and I would argue that how we think is definitely going to influence a great deal about who we are, but so do our genetics and our environment.
I have always tested as INFJ and it seemed like a very good fit but it is quite true that we can make errors in self assessment and thus mistype ourselves. Even when taking well designed tests, self-reported behaviours may or may not be accurate. The test must be taken with a very clear perspective on how one actually does think as opposed to how one believes one should think and some confusion can arise if behaviours are influenced by social pressure or feelings of "I ought to" and thus are not the way one truly wishes to behave. The less typical one's type the more social pressure might be felt to behave differently and not true to that type.
It is now my hypothesis that this is what happened to me. INFJ and INTJ can appear quite similar and do have some common cognitive processes. INFJ is a less common type in the overall population, perhaps the least common type of all. INTJ is not as uncommon but is largely made up of males. The INTJ female is less common than any type and does not fit with feminine norms as dictated by our culture. I ruled it out for myself initially without even considering it, influenced by stereotypes I think and that reminds me of how I was also put off the Dressing Your Truth type 3 category initially. While I have concerns about Carol Tuttle's qualifications as a therapist I remember reading or hearing her tell someone to look at the category you are afraid of, the one you think you really don't want to be or can't be.
I was raised by a wonderful mother who is a type that is highly associated with feminine norms so I internalised many of her values and her messages about what it means to be a good female. This is not a bad thing and probably makes me a more rounded person, but in mistaking how I believed I should think for how I actually do think, I selected responses on the MBTI tests which contributed to an INFJ result.
Since I've not considered making this blog one that examines MBTI in detail I don't, at the moment, think it's worth writing about everything I considered and how I came to recognise my error. I will remind anyone who is wondering, that MBTI is not a personality test and everyone is still an individual with their own unique genetics and experiences making up who they are.
The use of MBTI is in better understanding your own style of thinking and that of others, in order to facilitate understanding and communication. For me, it's very helpful because I so often feel like an alien. Knowing that there is a reason I find it harder to fit in and so often feel like I am faking it which is exhausting, and that I may be different but not broken is as helpful as understanding that those who are not like me are also not broken seems like it should be intuitive and in many ways it is, but I always like evidence and reasons to support intuition. If I understand how you think I can better understand what you think and better understanding is among my very core values.
Can I be certain I am INTJ or INFJ or anything else? Not with 100% accuracy, no. I am more certain about what I saw in my living room that day being caused by an ocular migraine. However, my confidence in having moved from a quite likely MBTI result to a result that is the most likely is nearly as high as my confidence that there was no ectoplasm.